Three Month Test Results Are In!!!

This week is my second week of working full-time. Since school is out and the children are home I decided to try to work full days in the workplace. Hah!

I don't think it would have been so bad except for the fact that I had two appointments; one Monday and one Tuesday. On Monday I had my chest CT scan with, yes, an IV. I didn't used to be afraid of needles, and shots don't bother me. But IVs. Now, that's another story. And yes, it happened again - poke and dig. And dig. And dig. 20mg of Valium and I was still freaking out!

Other than the IV, the CT scan wasn't all that bad. I lay down on an exam table which was then moved to a spinning donut that had plenty of room. Lifted up my arms. Heard a lot of whirring, and 10 minutes later I was out of there. Then back to work to finish my day. I think it was the stress that wore me out. But that was nothing compared to Tuesday.

Because the MRI was with and without contrast, I had to wait at least 24 hours before the MRI, so I went back Tuesday 25 hours after the CT scan. Took my (dubious) Valium, waited for an hour in the waiting room. Apparently there were a few emergencies that took precedence. I'm not going to stress it. This stuff happens. So, I go in an hour after I thought I'd be in and out. Hunh!

First let me say that in addition to doing an MRI on the right knee, they were also doing one on the right ankle. Since the surgery we've noticed a swelling on the posterior side just above the ankle, at the bottom of the calf. So, they wanted to check that out too. What no one told me was that the knee and ankle were considered as two different body parts. Hence, the MRI's took twice as long.

So, I go in. They position my right leg and wrap coils around my right knee, calf and ankle. Then they put my left leg on a stand. And into the tube I go. The very skinny tube. The tube that is just big enough to fit my body. The tube that is about 4 inches above my nose. Click. Click. Click. Whirr. Whirr. Whirr. And something that sounds like a rock polishing machine. And then they're back. "We have to prop your left leg higher so it doesn't interfere with the pictures of the right leg. Two pillows and a bigger stand later I'm back in the tube.

First they take pictures of the knee. Not so bad. My face is about eight inches from the tube opening. My arms are crossed on my chest. Tic-Toc. Tic-Toc. X number of minutes later the slab pulls me further into the tube to take pictures of my ankle. Now my nose is just below the tube opening. Oh, did I say I was claustrophobic? Well, I am. So, I close my eyes and start deep breathing exercises trying to go to my happy place. It isn't working. The noise, even with headphones, is pretty loud. And I'm terrified of dozing off. Knowing me, I'd twitch and we'd have to start all over again.

Forty-five, count 'em. F-o-r-t-y--f-i-v-e minutes later the tube starts ejecting me. But before I can do anything I hear "Don't move! Your body needs to stay in the same position for the contrast." Lovely. My left butt cheek is asleep, my left foot is beginning to cramp as it's been stuck in an odd angle (pointy toed) for 45 minutes, and my arms are tired. And then I'm told I really shouldn't move my arms because that would affect my body position.

Now comes the contrast. Thank GOD I drank almost two gallons of water in the morning. And double thank GOD I went to the bathroom before going in for the MRI! I hardly felt the poke. And now I'm dreading going back into "the tube."

I think the nurses took pity on me. They explained they'd be taking three pictures each of my knee and ankle. Each picture would take about three minutes, and I would know when they were taking the picture because I'd hear the rock polishing noise. So, six pictures at three minutes each is 18 minutes. Add three minutes between each picture and that's 35 more minutes. Ok. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.

Into the tube I go. And as soon as I hear the rock polishing I start counting one thousand one, one thousand two, one thousand three, and so on for three minutes. Then breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. Rock polishing starts and I start counting. One more time and the slab moves so my nose comes perilously close to the tubular ceiling. Ack! Closing eyes, breathing. Rock polishing and counting. And repeat. And repeat again. And then, the words I've been praying to hear. "You can move now. Just don't try to get down."

Heck, just the fact that I can move is enough for me! My butt is asleep, I have a charley horse in my left leg, I've broken into a cold sweat, and I must be pretty pale because the nurses are looking at me and saying "Take your time, don't rush sitting up." A couple minutes later and I'm sitting in a recliner putting my shoes back on. The nurses were thrilled. I was a "good" patient. I followed directions and the pictures looked "great." All I know is I need a really stiff drink. Or two. Maybe three if I really think about it. I go back to work, pick up my stuff, and I'm outta there! I am WIPED OUT.

I was in "The Tube" for 90 minutes! O.M.G. I can hardly sit still for 5 minutes let alone lay still for 90 minutes. And the valium? It did not one thing for me. Nothing. Nada. Nichts. Zip. I need something stronger. A lot stronger. Do you think they could just knock me out for the next one? I am serious. I get to go through this every three months for at least a year, if not more. Just recalling yesterday is giving me the heebie-jeebies.

But the good news is the results from both sets of tests are back. And the preliminary findings are very good. The CT scan showed a small calcification in the middle lobe of my right lung; smaller than a centimeter. It could be something from a lung illness I had years ago, or it could be a small growth from the cancer. We're all leaning towards the calcification.I went through several serious bouts of bronchitis and once had a bout with walking pneumonia. And the MRIs didn't show anything in my ankle - Woo Hoo! As for my knee, it too is clean with the exception of some swelling. And this is, in all likelihood, because my knee is still in the healing phase from radiation. In any case, I'll get the final determination on January 12th when I have my next appointment with dear Dr. Berrey.

And then in three months, I get to go through all this again - chest x-ray, chest CT scan, knee MRI. Hopefully no ankle MRI. I don't think I can handle another 90 minutes in "The Tube." Regardless, I'll do what has to be done. I was nervous about the tests. My lungs aren't the greatest and I was really nervous they would find something. And that the MRIs didn't show anything. That was the greatest news. And a very welcome early Christmas present.
------
As I write about my experiences, I hope you, dear reader, are smiling with me. Bad things like cancer can happen to anyone. The little things, and the big ones too, make all the difference in the world. When I write entries like this it's my way of injecting humor into what was a stressful and/or scary situation. For me, it encapsulates the situation and makes it more manageable. And laughter really is a healing medicine.

I will continue to share my experiences with cancer, the tests, and all that is affected when one is diagnosed with cancer. This blog is by no means over. I'm still recovering! And though I have full range of motion, I'm about as slow as the tortoise in "The Tortoise and the Hare." I hope you continue to participate in the journey of learning.

Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays, and to all a prosperous and more positive new year (if I don't add another entry before then)!

Day 1: Back at Work!

The first day I go back to the workplace and what do you know. It rains! I was so tempted just to call and say I'd be working the day from home, but I just couldn't do it. I really wanted to go TO work. And so I did. Took a little longer than usual to drive in, but that was ok. And it was a good thing I went in. I had to to straight to a meeting as soon as I walked in!

It was so nice just to be surrounded by ambient noise, to hear other people talking, and to walk around and see so many different people. The only thing that would have made it perfect was to have a non-painful knee. Right now I've got bursitis in my healing knee. I overdid the walking this weekend, and it's been especially swollen and painful. But I have to say that even for a drizzly weekend and a wet Monday, it was WONDERFUL!

And (sing-song) I get to wear trainers! I get to wear trainers! I made sure to make copies of my 'Return to Work' form just in case someone questions me about wearing trainers. I also have to say it must have been pretty quiet in our corner of the floor while I was out. I say this because several people came by to say 'It's good to have you back.' and 'We've missed hearing you.' and all that. Yeah, yeah, it was good to see me, but they saw me last week. And besides, walking by my cube is sometimes a spectacle. I go to work, plug in my iPod, and groove away to the music. Sometimes I forget and start humming, and sometimes I do a little chair dancing.

And speaking of music. I have to share two songs I am really into right now. The first is 'They'. It's by Jem on her Finally Woken CD. Loove it! It's like a mischievous song. Almost scary but more fun. The other is 'Cold.' This one is on the Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part 1 Soundtrack. It's by Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz. OMG, it sends shivers up my spine. It is haunting. Haunting! I lean towards music in minor keys, and this one? I can't put into words how achingly beautiful this song is.

Anyhoo. Day 1 in the workplace is done! Woo Hoo! Now let's see how I feel after 5 days of this!

Back, Back, Back to Work!!!

Whoopee!!! Starting Monday, I'm back to work F-U-L-L  T-I-M-E. The nice part is I get to work half and half for a month before working full-time in the workplace. That means that I'll be home in the afternoons over the holidays. Remember, I got no vacation left. It all went to short-term disability. Thankfully, the year is almost over, which means I'll have full vacation benefits in only a few weeks. Whew!

And...since it's nearing the end of the year, CT chest scan and leg MRI are on the schedule this month. Since my deductible is met, might as well take advantage of it. The drill is 3 month appts with leg MRI and  alternating chest xray/chest CT scan. If I'm clear after a year, the appt change to every 4 months. At 3 years, every 6 months. Then, if I'm still clear at 5 years, then annually. The doctor jokingly told me that after 5 years I'll be glowing - in the dark - from all the radiology. Fun! So, once December's CT scan and MRI's are done, January check-in. Then the next set in March. Oh, and they're all contrast. Ugh.

Dr. B was impressed with how the knee has healed. He was especially impressed with my range of motion. I told him that I follow directions. He said that I had to flex and bend even through the radiation and the recovery (which was VERY painful), and that's exactly what I did. Several times a day. It was incredibly painful when the burns on my leg were at their peak. But it paid off. I have some bursitis in the leg, but other than that, it's all good.

Another thing I'm thrilled about is that when the doctor wrote up my release, they put in a mention that I need to wear tennis shoes to work for a year. My employer is cracking down on the dress code as it is getting more and more loosely interpreted. Black trainers are trainers regardless of whether they're good for my feet and legs. So, now I can keep wearing them to work.

Heels? They're a thing of the past. I had a killer collection of wonderful heels. And I loved wearing them. But what with arthroscopic surgery a few years back and now this... And my goodness, don't I just LOVE the shoes that have been coming out lately. It is so depressing having to bypass the luscious heels and head toward the flats. I've got some nice pairs, but it's just not the same. It's sort of like going to Dillard's and heading to the Women's department instead of the Juniors. Juniors has all the yummy clothes. Women's has the staid, boring clothes. I want a little sexy in my clothes. And my shoes.

So, in a nutshell, I'm thrilled to head back to work. It's going to be rough at first, but at least I have a month to transition back. I'm going to need it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tis the season to be thankful! And I am! I am thankful for my health, my family, a roof over my head, and my wonderful, wonderful coworkers and friends who have helped me through this tough period. Because of my coworkers, my family will have a more than bountiful Thanksgiving with plenty to last a week or more. And because of them, too, we are able to pay some late bills and purchase some Christmas gifts for our children.

The knee continues to heal incredibly quickly and well. I am confident I will be given the all-clear to return to work in December. The only concern I have now is a small swollen area just above my right ankle, above the Achilles Tendon. It is soft and in the the tendon area. When I showed it to the orthopedic oncologist, he agreed to include it in the next MRI. But as that is a few months away, I am going to see if they will consent to an MRI before year-end. Let's do it when I've already met my deductible!

Have a happy Thanksgiving, and stay safe!

The Knee is (finally) Healing!

Another week down and another week closer to getting back to work and a "normal life". A coworker contacted me about 10 days ago and asked if I'd be interested in a visit. This coworker is knowledgeable in the healing art of Reiki and is gifted in the art of healing, and if I was open to it they would like to visit and see if it could help with the healing. Remember, my leg was in one heck of a poor state - swollen, red, painful, oozing, etc. This coworker made it clear that any healing is not because of them but that they are a conduit for the gift of God. Me? I believe God apportions his gifts wisely (duh), and if we as humans use His gifts wisely we all benefit. So, yes, I am open

The coworker wasn't able to make it last weekend but prayed daily in their own special way. They came by this weekend and spent an hour working on my knee. That and the prayers from friends, family and coworkers alike have made a significant impression on the knee. It is incredible the difference 10 days have made. My leg is almost unrecognizable from a week ago.

The healing continues inside. I still walk slowly, the fatigue is still significant, and there is some new pain in the part of the leg where sensation is finally coming back. So, I am embarking on a new routine. At least I hope to embark on it. It will take self-control and fortitude. What I want to do is this:

• Start taking multi-vitamins and fish oil
• Sleep no more than 9 hours a night
• When Gabe leaves for school, stay up, shower, eat breakfast, walk the dog and get started on work by 9-10AM
• Finish my half-day by 2PM
• Clean for 1 hour
• Work on those items on my bucket list that I can at this time
• Take a 90 minute nap but only if I need to

I am sharing a photo of my knee. I think you will be just as impressed as I as to how much it's healed. The scabs are amost completely gone. The skin is healing. The skin is dry since it's part old and part healed, so I am using Aquaphor per doctor's instruction. It's like vaseline, but it sure does help keep the skin moist.

Enjoy!

Another Saturday, Another Post

If you read my last post you know that I am still working part-time and from home. And you know that I was seriously bummed. Well, it's been a week, and I am so not bummed anymore! Two days after my last appointment my leg started undergoing excruciatingly painful changes. The day after I wrote my last post I had to call and ask for an increase in the pain meds dosage. It was like my knee suddenly burst into flame. Poorly stated but truly appropriate. The radiated part puffed up, turned fiery red, and started blistering; scar line included. Per doctor's instructions, flex and stretch, flex and stretch. But it changed into flex, moan, hold, stretch, moan, hold; flex, moan, wince, gasp, stretch, moan, wince, gasp. And all the while the irradiated skin bends, cracks open, oozes, bleeds (in places), and folds upon itself. Yup really, really disgusting. Try looking at it every day. I carry gauze pads around so I can wipe up the mess periodically. And I wonder if there will be scarring from the radiation burns, let alone the surgery.

Nothing touches the leg except for my Silvadene cream (which needs to be refilled), gauze pads, and the cotton of my bed sheets - and those only when I'm in a deep sleep. The weather here in balmy Florida is now cooling off and it's a pleasant 45 degrees Fahrenheit at night with a wonderful 67 degrees during the day. And what am I wearing? Shorts. Was it MC Hammer who sang 'Can't Touch This?' Well, that's why I'm wearing shorts. Can't touch the knee. Even the whisper of the cat's tail sends me into spasms of pain.

As a result, I am once again very much house-bound. I am very self-conscious of the visible healing process on the leg, and I do not enjoy subjecting myself to the stares and once-agains that follow me when I'm out in public. If I have to go out either someone goes with me so they can go in, or I use a drive-thru. And if I have to go in myself, it's in-n-out. Even my family stares. I know they mean well, but it's disconcerting when I'm sitting on the couch and DH comes by and scrutinizes the knee. "What are you looking at," I ask. And he responds with "Nothing. Nothing." Then when I comment that the knee looks pretty gnarly, he replies with a "No, it doesn't look that bad." Yeah, right.

Not that all is so bad. There is some news. Now that my leg officially glows in the dark, I know it is well on its way to healing. That and parts of it itches like crazy. Another sign of healing. And I had a frank conversation with the PA at the Oncologist's office explaining that FMLA will only cover me through mid-December. So, I have an appointment on December 8. And if the skin has healed enough, then I may, may, get to go back in the workplace. I would be thrilled if I could go in even a few hours a week. Because then I could acclimate myself back to working full-time in the workplace. So, I am taking every precaution to keeping the leg flexible, covered in Silvadene, and leaving it alone.

The last bit is important. I have a tendency to pick at scabs, blisters and the like. So, leaving this glaring wound alone is an extreme test of my self-control. And so far I like to think I'm doing pretty well. I shower only 2-3 times a week. It is with a mixture of longing and dread that I shower. I so want to get clean, wash my hair, etc. But at the same time I dread the water pressing on my leg and then getting out of the shower and trying hard to dab the leg and not swipe the scabs off the leg. It's a constant battle. Sometimes self-control wins and sometimes it loses.

But at the end of the day, the leg is healing. And that is what matters. No more pics of the leg. I prefer to keep them to myself. Instead, a pic of my son and his two Alex Angels getting ready to go to the Homecoming Dance. Beautiful girls, handsome young man, proud mama, embarrassed son!

Still House Bound

And a happy Saturday to you, too!

It's one of those days where I don't really feel like writing a post but I really kinda want to. Thus, it's a conundrum day. Had the first good night's sleep in two weeks. I actually woke up sans the alarm clock. Thing was, I took some painkillers to deaden the knee pain and dozed off for another three hours. Oh well! At least I'm in a better mood today.

I saw Dr. Berrey Thursday. And I finally figured out that he's an Orthopedic Oncologist. On the whole, the appointment went well, but there were a few bummer moments. On the plus side, I got a chest x-ray, which came out clean. Whew! There are always a few tense moments when there is the possibility of a lung lesion. More so because my family history is fraught with lung issues - lung cancer, emphysema, collapsed lungs, asthma, and so on.

I met with a new intern, Dr. Puffin. Why is it that all male interns are drop dead gorgeous? I mean, Dr. Berrey, though in his late 50's is good looking himself. But he seems to get the serious eye candy interns. So, Dr. Puffin goes over my record. I regale him with what's been going on since radiation treatments were done, and I pass on Dr. Indelicato's note that knee MRI's/CT scans are no use for at least two months. Then in comes Dr. Berrey.

Now, I'll preface this by sharing that yes, I am a nerd. I hated being one when I was young, but it's actually done good by me these many years. So, I'm finally embracing my geekiness. Which is why, when I was going through radiation, I asked the radiologist techs loads of questions. I was, and am, genuinely curious about the whats, whys and hows of just about everything. And since Dr. Puffin is a new intern to Dr. Berrey's office and to my case, I was thrilled to be part of the learning process. So, this is what I learned from Dr. Berrey's mini-lecture to Dr. Puffin.

When a patient presents GCTTS in a joint, it's important that the Chief Radiologist be someone who not only specializes in soft tissue sarcomas, but also specializes in joints. The reason being that we want to preserve as much of the joint function as possible. And the Radiologist needs to be someone familiar with both so they can ensure the treatment preserves the function.

The interpretation? Dr. Danny is such a Radiologist. Thus, the radiation treatments I received were mapped out to minimize joint damage (so I could retain almost complete use of my knee/leg). The radiation treatments were designed to go relatively deep in some points and on the surface at other points.

Which explains why I am so uncomfortable post-radiation. Why? Since the radiation treatments were so close to the surface, there are 2nd and 3rd degree burns on and around my right knee. (I am sure I've mentioned this in at least 2-3 posts, so bear with me as I repeat myself yet again.) They do not encompass the entire joint area. Rather they cover the front and right of the knee; about 8 inches long and 6 inches wide. And something I am learning about 2nd and 3rd degree burns. For those of us who have never experienced anything worse than a bad sunburn, this is far more painful and difficult. As the skin 'heals', it first has to die while the new skin develops - if it can. So, the radiated skin is stiffening making movement difficult. When the knee is flexed, this dead skin must stretch, which causes pain, can crack, peel off, bleed, etc. And the new skin underneath is still not ready for exposure. So, it's painful in and of itself. White blood cells come rushing in, which causes the oozing and seeping. And when the new, incomplete skin flexes, it too can crack and bleed. In addition to all this, there is swelling and all other sorts of damage that needs to heal.

In comes treatment such as Silvadene cream. This minimizes the risk of infection (which is at an all-time high for the developing skin) while assisting, albeit slowly, in the healing process. And because it's the knee, and because the joint has to be regularly exercised and flexed, there is no use covering or wrapping the wounds. And because there is dying skin and developing skin, the nerve receptors are exposed, which means the slightest breeze, bend, anything causes pain. And I mean, PAIN. And with pain and healing, the body goes into overdrive which causes additional fatigue. Lots of fatigue. Loads of fatigue.

So, though the fatigue is really cramping my style and I really want to get back to 'normal, here comes the bummer part. I am still working part-time and from home. Dr. Berrey doesn't want me back in the workplace until the burns heal. I asked Dr. Berrey about going into the office even one day a week, and he hesitated so long, I told him I got the message. Gotta minimize  that risk of infection. It would do more harm than good to get something like a staph infection in my knee. Dr. Berrey told me I have to be patient and give my leg time to heal. I grinned back and replied that patience is not one of my virtues. He laughed and said that as long as I keep the twinkle in my eye, he is confident I could hold on.

Here's why, for me, it's a bummer; job security, paychecks and Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA). [For those unfamiliar with FMLA, this guarantees an employee's job (same or equal but different position) for up to 12 weeks in a 12 month period. It's unpaid leave. But if you've got STD, then you get some form of payment.] I have been out on leave, both full and part-time, since August 3. While I am currently covered under Short Term Disability and FMLA, these are finite. And my FMLA will be all used up by mid-December.

My boss was very considerate. He knows I'm chomping at the bit and I'm concerned about my job, but in his words "Follow the doctor's orders and get healthy. That is more important. We can manage the project work." And I trust my boss enough that I believe that if my job were at risk, he'd warn me in some way.  He would rather I heal completely and come back without reservations than heal some, come in and have to go back out.  So, I understand. But man!

So, here I am. Home for the duration, praying that this wonky knee will heal and I can get back into a 'normal' life by mid-December. In the meantime, it's work, rest, and whatever else to keep me busy during my waking hours. Oh, and trying to stay awake longer than 4 hours a pop!

A Discouraging Day

You know the saying "If you don't really want to know how a person is doing, don't ask?" Well, if you don't really want to know how today was, stop reading now.

I don't usually blog two days in a row, but today was just crappy enough, I need to vent. If you read my previous entry, you know my leg has been giving me grief. I've been trying to put a positive spin on it, but it's just not working. So, today my radiologist fit me in to check out my leg. And you know what he said? "It's actually looking good!" Are you kidding!? It's a brownish-red. Black dots pepper it representing all the hair follicles. It's spotty and weepy and crackly. I can't wear anything but dresses and shorts because it's covered in Silvadene cream. And it hurts to walk. It feels like the bones are turning to mush.

OK, enough complaining. Here's what Dr. Danny explained. Joints take longer to heal. You keep the appendage in the same position for a while and healing commences. Then you flex the appendage and what's healed breaks down again, thus more time to heal. So, more Silvadene - Dr. Danny swears it will work. Give it time. And more pain meds. If it's not feeling better within the week, it's back to the radiologist.

Upon reflection, I guess I was expecting to 'get up and go' once radiation was over. I should have paid attention to my own post! "Give it time." I was so excited to be done I started getting up and getting out. Obviously, too much too soon. So, it's back to resting the leg, flexing and sliding squats. No more traipsing around Target. It was just such a blow. I see the oncologist Thursday, and I was hoping I would get the green light to go back to work full-time. Now I'm really not sure. I'm frustrated and discouraged.

Then to top it all off, we had to euthanize one of our cats. Really, my daughter's cat, Miss Jennifer. She's been living at my mother-in-law's since I was pregnant with Gabe; about 7 years. And she was good company for my MIL. Her health, however, took such a downward turn the last several months. DD was working, so DH and I took Miss Jennifer to the vet.

I love my pets. Miss Jennifer, though she'd been living with Tillie for 7 years, was still ours in a sense. And it was just so sad to see. I was just so sad to have to do this. But it was for the best. She was in such pain. So, we picked her up and I loved on her all the way to the vet. DH wouldn't let me in with her for the euthanasia - I was "too upset." I just wanted Miss Jennifer to know she was loved and to be comforted as she took this final road. I was comforted that she acknowledged my loving and expressed her desire for more. So, I know she went peacefully. And yes, I do believe cats, too, go to Heaven, and I know she is in a much better place.

So, all told, it was a difficult, discouraging day. Tomorrow will come quicker than I am ready, but I am hoping it will be better. And I'm praying that I will be able to return to work soon. I miss being around people! I really need the interaction! And then maybe I won't be so excited about the little things like going for a ride to the gas station so DH can fill up the truck!

Dia Feliz de los Muertos!!

Happy Halloween! Or rather - Día feliz de los muertos (Happy day of the dead - November 1st)!

Ah, Halloween. The eve when kiddies young and not so young dress up and go traipsing around neighborhoods getting pranked, or giving pranks, and nabbing oodles upon oodles of candy, candy, candy.  Then upon return, parents and older siblings field said goodies saving much of the best for themselves. As it was years gone by, so it was again this year. And the pillow case was stretched to its limit. It being a school night, only a few choice tidbits were scarfed down before Tow Mater (what Gabe went as this year) was toted off to bed.

The pickings were quite good this year - depending on your taste. There were Airheads, Pixi Sticks, Skittles, Reeses, Butterfingers, Tootsie Rolls (my personal fave) and the obligatory hard candy (which usually goes into the trash after about 4 months). DH took Gabe Trick or Treating while Chris and I stayed home making the pillowcases of many children very happy.

A friend of mine and her daughter dropped by earlier in the evening and we had such fun. Basically it was laugh at Julie night because she really needs to get out of the house more! Well, 3 months of recuperation will do that to a person! I'm way past cabin fever! Sort of in the nuthouse zone. I've got 5 or 6 craft projects going, 7 books I'm reading, and I'm trying new recipes on my victi-, er, family. That's not to say I've got oodles of time on my hands. I am still sleeping roughly 12 hours a day. My irradiated leg is one hot mess. It looks and feels nasty and is causing me some serious pain. DH says that's all down to it healing. If this is healing, then what were the previous 3 months! And I'm working 4 hour work days through all of this. I fatigue easily. I can be up for 3-4 hours and then sleep very soundly for 3 hours, up for 3, down for 3, then sleep about 9 hours at night! Say, I may actually be sleeping 14 hours a day! All I can say is there ain't much time for me to do anything cause I'm always sleeping. But I try.

Thursday is my next appointment. Up to now I've been thinking I'll be back to work full-time any day. But now I'm not so sure. I've posted a pic of my leg (taken yesterday - not for the queasy) at the bottom of the post. Not only is it butt ugly, it hurst more now than it did 2 months ago! I dare not wear pants because I don't want anything touching the sore spots, but really, it's the bone that hurts. Haley saw it for the first time since my surgery today, and I explained it like this: You know when you cook a microwave dinner? The directions say to heat for 3 minutes than leave it in for 2 minutes. The 3 minutes are to start the cooking process, and it continues to cook in the other 2 minutes. Well, my leg was cooked for 6 weeks in the microwave. And it's still cooking. You know? I kinda like that analogy. I didn't really understand the part on the microwave directions of leaving it in the oven for 2 more minutes until now. Makes sense all of a sudden.

So, we'll see what the doctor says. But one thing is certain. I have to get out of the house more!!!!


A few comments about the knee. Flexing it is much harder now because not only is the scar tissue multiplying like rabbits, but every time I flex more skin cracks, flakes, etc. And even just side-swiping the knee by accident can cause skin to peel off like a sunburn. So, there are some scabby parts. There are where skin has peeled or cracked off. I am putting Silvadine (a cream from the radiologist) on those parts and along the scar as the scar is really dry and cracking and peeling. See how the skin is so dark? It wasn't near that bad when I first stopped radiation. I can onlhy guess it's that cooking from the inside out effect. The inside of the leg was sunburned, and the outside is now cooking. Not a pretty site. I am much more self-conscious going out in public now because I can't cover it. Too difficult. I've tried several different ways but the bandages keep falling off, and I have to keep the wrappings loose. So, it's cream and air for now. Yuck.

This is from 10/30

Fun Friday

Today is Friday. An interesting Friday. Quiet in the general sense. No school today; Teacher Planning Day. So, the boys are home, and I'm working from home. And my work day has been very busy! Been putting out fires and helping my project teammates meet a deadline that almost didn't happen. One of the (several) negative effects of a serious illness is that folks don't want to "bother you." Well, my teammates on the project I am currently working kept me out of the loop for one portion that was supposed to be straightforward and easy. I only found out two days ago that all was very much NOT well. And that was NOT going to happen on my watch! So, in three days, we got it whipped into shape and just squeaked under the wire to meet the deadline. Whew!

It was nice being able to jump in and get the seeming undoable done. I haven't done that in almost three months. Three months! That's how long it's been since I've set foot in the workplace. My appointment next week, November 3rd, will actually be the three month anniversary of my surgery. And I am hoping I will get the green light to go back to work. Granted, I am not 100%, but I would like to be able to work in the workplace at least part of the time.

As for not being 100%. Oy vey! The knee! I think it was doing better during radiation as opposed to after radiation! It's getting crusty, crinkly; in addition to the one place with peeling skin, there is now a part along the scar that is breaking open and bleeding. The entire scar line is angry red and swollen, and there is a ridge of dried white skin - burnt - along the top. I keep flexing the knee and I hear pops from the scar tissue breaking down. If I don't flex for an hour, the leg is so stiff! I use the Silvadene cream for the yucky parts on my leg, but it's the keeping it covered without tape or bandaids that is the hard part. I can't use any because the skin is so fragile I run the risk of pulling even more burned skin off. I tried wrapping it with an ace bandage - 'loosely' per the Radiology office. But that actually seems to cause more pain. Yes, pain. My knee cap is swollen and tender, even to the touch. And there are bit of it that itch! I'm thinking that is part of the healing process, though I don't really know.

I think my leg hurts more now than it did two weeks after surgery! And, get this, I have freckles on my knee. Freckles!!! Oy! So, it is obvious I have research to do to find out the long-term effects of radiation on appendages; especially weight-bearing appendages. It's kind of ironic. I'm fair-skinned. I've just gone through six weeks of radiation, basically six weeks of getting a really good leg burn. So, now I have a question - am I now at risk for skin cancer in the area that received radiation? Good question, doncha think?

On the homefront, it is relatively quiet. I am anxiously awaiting the opening of two highly anticipated movies. One is The Twilight Saga: New Moon Part 1. Yeah, yeah, I know. Soppy to many folks, but to me it's a wonderful fairy tale. The other movie is The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. I am SO excited! I can totally not wait for that movie! I've read the books like four times. Saw the Swedish movie versions; have the Swedish movie versions. Been keeping up with all things remotely related to the movie. At first I thought the U.S. version would be so Americanized it wouldn't be worth the money. But from what I've seen and read, it looks F-A-N-T-A-S-T-I-C!! And apparently, the U.S. version more closely adheres to the books than did the Swedish version. But don't knock the Swedish version The actors were spot on. Noomi Rapace was excellent! And the actor who played Neils Buhrmann. I won'der if he's been typecast he was so repulsive in the movies.

So, for those of you who aren't familiar with the Dragon Tattoo saga, most commonly known as the Millennium Trilogy, the author of these world-famous books is Stieg Larsson. In a cruel twist of fate, he completed the first three books in a planned series of 10; his fourth was conceptually complete, and he unexpectedly died of a heart attack. Six weeks later the first book, The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo (in Swedish it is titled Men Who Hate Women) hit the bookstands and became an instant hit around the world. The next two books, The Girl Who Played With Fire and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest,  were subsequently published to much acclaim. The fourth? We don't know if it will ever get published. Mr. Larsson died without a will and his properties reverted to his father and brother though he'd been living with his partner for over 20 years. She has possession of the manuscript for the fourth book but won't release it unless the father and brother release all claim on it. So, fact seems to be imitating fiction.

Anyhoo, it's Friday. A good Friday. A happy Friday. Go out and enjoy it! I am!

No More Radiation!

Can I get a Woot! Woot! Yesterday was the last day of of radiation! I am done! Fini!

Well, sort of.

Now comes maintenance, or rather watchfulness.

The area around my knee is red, something between a 2nd and 3rd degree burn. I say that because some of the skin has peeled off. Underneath is some not so pretty stuff - pus, ooze; you know. Yucky stuff. Since it has been exposed to radiation day after day, there's been no chance for it to heal. The surgery scar is pretty much the same. It's dry, scaly, red, swollen, etc. And for some reason, probably related to the bone being irradiated, the kneecap is very tender. But now that I'm done, gotta give all this time to heal. Dr. Danny provided a burn cream called Silvadene that I can use. But nooo bandaids! The sticky stuff will only cause further damage to the skin. So, I gotta cover it with gauze, and I have a 'burn sleeve' to hold the gauze in place. And then I can wrap my leg, loosely, with an ace bandage. But all along, gotta flex, flex, flex that leg.

You can feel and hear that scar tissue popping every time I bend my knee. Dr. Danny explained that the scar tissue will continue to develop over the next few months and that it is imperative the the knee be exercised so the scar tissue won't have opportunity to develop. So I walk, allbeit slowly. And I keep my leg bent when I recline or sit. Stand up, stretch, flex, do it all again. And I sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. 12-14 hours a day. And apparently, that's not unusual. It's one of the quiet side effect.

In the meantime, I will be seeing Dr.Berrey next Thursday. On Dr. Danny's recommendation, it will probably be 6 to 8 weeks before I can start the quarterly MRI's, CT scans, X-rays, bloodwork, etc. that are necessary in the first few years to be sure the cancer doesn't reappear, metastsize, relocate, etc. Dr. Danny said it would take that long for the damage of the radiation to heal - swelling and other stuff that can mask any relevant test results. My appointment with Dr. Berrey will be to check the knee, and determine when I can return back to work full-time. I will be glad to get back to working full-time as long as I can drive. I can't handle that right now though, but I've got a week for the knee to heal. So, we'll see.

As treatment comes to an end and maintenance begins, the focus of this blog will likely change. My close encounter with cancer has reminded me, rather forcefully, of the things I enjoy and the things I want to experience. I've viewed other blogs, and several are centered around a specific topic - as has mine, up to this point. While I know I will continue to write about my experiences with cancer, and (knock on wood) the non-recurrence of cancer, I will also address other topics. I am not yet sure what those topics will be, but I know there are some I want to explore; character exploration, current events, daily life, events, and more.

For a while though, the primary focus of this blog will continue to be my experiences with cancer. So, stay tuned! More to come in my interesting life!

The Waiting Room

Wow! It's been a very different two weeks. I started last week off with a commitment to change my outlook. And, though it's been bumpy, I believe I am on my way. The Monday walk led to very sore legs Tuesday. Along with banging the bad leg on the corner of a table, I have a fairly stiff knee. Crispy knee.

It's been a productive two weeks work-wise. I feel like I am finally out of the medicated fog and am actually making progress. The kicker is that I received news that my mother was hospitalized last weekend. It took 36 hours, but we now know she has been hit with Shingles. I am sure the stress of worrying about my health contributed to the outbreak. So, now she is on antivirals and pain killers. I just hope it clears up soon. Shingles are NOT pleasant. I am just sorry I can't be there to help her and dad and little sis Dee.

My last two appointments with Dr. Danny went well. We are past the hump! Now come the real side effects. The sunburn is becoming more significant and the skin is starting to peel. And there is pain in the area on which the radiation is focusing. Dr. Danny says that is to be expected, and find that I am experiencing more pain as the radiation continues. I'm slowing down now. It is harder to walk. I find I need assistance getting up, moving around, etc. I flex the knee almost constantly. I can feel the scar tissue, and I know that is what is slowing me down. So, I keep breaking it up by flexing - a lot. I feel the resistence every time I bend my knee, so I keep it bent as much as possible.

In all, I think the side effects I've been experiencing are relatively mild compared to other patients. Every day I go to the Radiation office and I see so many different people in various stages of treatment. Last week it felt like children's week. So many children! Many were bald, some were bloated; all of them though were smiling. I did not see one unhappy child at all. They were surrounded by family and care givers, laughing, telling stories, doing craft activities. I find myself watching the children. They are so young, and this is all they know of their lives. I want to ask them what keeps them so positive. I think that as adults we've lived a while, and to experience cancer at our age, I think we have a more difficult time coping. Every day when I go for radiation, I feel lifted when I see a child in the waiting room. I know that this is not the place I want to see a child, but their positiveness really seems to infuse the other patients with the same cheerfulness.

The waiting room at the office is spacious and filled with windows. As you enter the information desk is front and center. To your right are two computers where radiation patients check in. To your left are the sliding glass doors through which the patients go to receive treatment. Each patient has a lanyard with a UPC code. We scan the UPC code in and then sit and wait for a radiologist.

The remainder of the waiting room is part waiting room, part resting room. In one corner is a coffee and water station. As you walk towards the station you pass rows of comfy chairs and coffee tables. Next to the drink station is a glassed-in room with children's books, a chalkboard, and other fun toys for young children. A jigsaw table sits outside the room. Shelves near it are filled with boxes of gently used jigsaw puzzles. A puzzle in progress always covers the table. Comfy couches and chairs are placed in a circle in a large atrium. Two to three times a week a group of care givers provide crafts for patients and family members alike. These are done on the floor in the atrium. Naturally, sheets are placed on the floor. It is refreshing to see the children participating. And when you look around, their artwork hangs on the windows and walls.

The hospital, which is a learning hospital for the University of Florida (go Gators!), organizes several activities for cancer patients. Every day there is something different. Cancer survivors will not be surprised to find that several of the activities are centered around food. Tours of the finer restaurants, along with significantly reduced dining prices, are de rigeur. These occur two to three times a week. Naturally, there are several support groups for both patients and family members. There is also a breakfast club.

So, overall, treatment, though necessary, somewhat cumbersome and possibly painful, is also (dare I say) fun. I find myself looking forward to radiation because there is always something going on in the waiting room, and the people - employees, patients, family members, friends - are happy to see you. And while I will be happy to be done with radiation next week, I will miss the time spent riding to and fro with DH and the time spent in the waiting room.

Kicking Some Booty

Well peeps, it's time to kick some booty. Looking back on the past month, I realize I do not like the person I am becoming. Yes, the meds are necessary, but I do not enjoy taking so much. And I especially do not enjoy the side effects, most especially the constant sleeping and lethargy. I decided that I needed to jump start an action plan. I started today.

After getting up and getting child #3 on the bus for school, I went walking. It was a short walk - 20 minutes, and it only covered about a 1/2 mile, but it was a walk nonetheless. And let me say, it was tough! I am so much slower than I used to be. And it seemed the road got longer and longer on the way home. My leg was so tired!

Got home, showered and moved my work laptop from the bedroom to the kitchen (we don't have a study per se). Turned on the iPod and started working. After about an hour, I did get really tired, so I napped for an hour and worked until DH got home to take me to radiation. Got home from that and worked while helping child #3 do his homework. And I was productive!

I didn't realize how motivating music is. In the workplace I listen to my iPod virtually the entire time. I chair dance and work, and I get a lot done. Today was the first time I listened to music while working - at home. It was great!

DH had a softball game tonight, so child #3 and I went with and it was fun! His team lost, but it was so nice for Gabe to play with other children his age and just to be out.

I did have to take some pain meds. The walk really worked my leg and I didn't realize it was such a workout until I could hardly bend it. So, yes, pain meds to the rescue. But the good thing was I only took them once today, and that was intentional. I have to wean myself off all the meds. But I know it will be a daily process.

So, now on to day #2! Gotta do the same tomorrow. That is what will be the hard part. Keeping it up. But I'm determined to do it. It is midnight and for the first time in weeks I'm sleepy - from activity and not drugs. So, nighty-night! : )

A Much Better Day

Whew! Today was a much better day! I had two appointments; one with Dr. Berrey and the other for radiation.

My appointment with Dr. Berrey was successful. He was impressed with the leg's strength and range of motion. Naturally, I couldn't help but show off a little, which got a laugh. Then he challenged me about the flexibility after another two weeks of radiation. The PA, Ms. Wetmore, said "cooking" the leg every day for six weeks will do that to a piece of meat. Funny, in a perverse kind of way.

I have not yet received my appointment for the contrast MRI on the ankle, but Dr. Berrey and Ms. Wetmore decided it could be postponed. Why? Because it will be time for the first of my many three-month contrast MRI's in another four weeks. This is the next phase all cancer patients get to enjoy after initial treatment; periodic x-rays, CT scans, MRI's over the next several years to ensure cancer, any type of cancer, does not reoccur. This includes chest x-rays as this cancer simply loves spreading to the lungs. A very scary prospect for me given my family history.

Here's the tricky part, though. The three-month mark is November 3rd. The last of my radiation treatments is October 31st. Dr. Berrey said that as the radiation will have just been completed, and as the leg will have been cooked to well past well-done, an MRI right around then won't show anything of value. So, they will first meet with me, and then, depending on the condition of my knee, they will decide how long to wait until the MRI will be scheduled. Thus, my ankle won't be x-rayed via MRI for another month to six weeks - along with the knee. To be honest, that is fine by me. I appreciate that my team is considering how difficult the contrast (I.V.) is for me (rolling veins, deep veins, etc.). Besides, they are pretty sure the lump is not indicative of cancer. And, if it is, it's not been growing, so all should be ok for now. Before leaving, though, I was given strict instructions that should the lump change in any way, shape or form, to contact the office ASAP.

Afterwards, it was radiation time. It went well with one minor hitch. For whatever reason, my leg decided it really needed to twitch. It was so frustrating! I so wanted to flex the darned leg! But if I did, we would have to start all over again with the positioning. And flexing the leg wouldn't even ensure I wouldn't want to flex it again! So, I just wiggled my toes, praying the leg didn't move...much. Whew! All done, and that was it!

So, a short post today. The meds are kicking in and I will be soon be sleeping soundly. I want to thank the folks who have been sending postcards, letters and emails and those who have been calling. I really appreciate the encouragement, and I need it too. It really does help.

So, I am off to bed.

Nighty night!

Miss Pity Party

I am almost halfway through radiation, and the visible effects are starting to show. The area around my knee is pinking up, so I expect that in the next week to ten days I'll be getting that 'sunburn' effect.  Every Friday I get a row of stickers, and every other day throughout the week I am refreshing the marks. It has become a habit. I check in, one of the techs comes through the door, I get in my robe, get on the table, they twist and turn me, and then it's 'here we go, Julia!' Got my weekly x-rays today, and I'll see Dr. Danny Friday.

I had a scare Monday. I was laying on the table after radiation, and when I went to sit up, the world suddenly slewed to the right. Vertigo. I had a bout of vertigo three years ago. It was very scary. I was in Dallas with my son, and I thought I was having a heart attack. Thankfully, a serendipitous series of events meant we were at my parents' house, and I was rushed to the hospital. It was a benign event in that there was a disturbance in my inner ear that caused the vertigo. Well, it happened again. But this time I knew what was going on. So, I went to the doctor today, and after a few tests, she agreed it was the same benign event. So, I am back on Meclizine. I now have even more reason to not drive. I can't! And I have to move slowly. And as if radiation didn't already tire me out, the Meclizine conks a person out even more.

It sucks though, and I feel like I'm having a pity party. In addition to my allergy, blood pressure and asthma meds, I'm on pain meds and now Meclizine. I feel like a pharmacy! Oh, and I'm lucky I'm awake eight hours out of the day now! Like today. Here is the last 24 hours:

• Asleep at 9:00 PM
• Wake up at 1:00 AM. Awake for 30 minutes.
• Back to sleep at 1:30. Up at 7:00 AM.
• Get Gabe up, fed and on the bus
• Work for 1.5 hours
• Back to sleep at 9:00 AM.
• Up at 11:00 AM.
• Go to doctor
• Pick up Rx's
• Work for 2 more hours
• Go to radiation
• Asleep at 6:00 PM
• Awake at 8:00 PM
• Get Chris to drive so I can get milk
• Put Gabe to bed
• Asleep at 9:00 PM
• Awake at 11:00 PM
• Why? I don't know! My mind is full of all I need to do, all I didn't do, and all I want to do.

Ugh! What I really want is to be able to work full-time, drive myself, and STAY AWAKE for a full 10 hours! Oh, and I am still waiting for the orders for the MRI on my ankle.

And one more thing. I am really starting to feel like a burden. This week Rufus has only been able to work two full days. I had an additional appointment today, I have one tomorrow with Dr. Berrey, and I have another one Friday with Dr. Danny. They poor guy is on the road all the time now. And Gabe - he is asking more and more when I am going to get better. As for Chris, he is sick again - another cold - and he just wants to relax. But he's got to care for Gabe when Rufus and I are at my appointments. And Cassie? She's MIA. She may say she lives at our house, but she spends maybe 4-6 hours a day here; all of which are between 1AM and 7AM. So, she is no help at all. All of these combined lend themselves to my overall feeling of 'Miss Pity Party.' I want it to go away!

So, here are the pictures of my legs tonight. Is is just my imagination? Or is the right leg (the one with all the markings) actually a little pinker?

Fatigue Anyone?

The generally accepted 'medicines' to treat and resolve cancer are chemotherapy and radiation. Of the two, more is published about the side effects of chemotherapy; nausea, hair loss, fatigue, etc. What is not publicized as much are the side effects of radiation; primarily 'sun'burn, pain in the radiation area, and (surprisingly) fatigue.

Now I understand the sunburn effect; the cumulative effect of repeated dosages of radiation. Basically, lots of heat directed to the same general location five days a week for a period of a month or more. This leads to redness of the skin, pealing, etc. The issue is that you can't put just any old lotion on the skin in case the lotion or whatnot negatively affects  the effectiveness of radiation. So you are at the mercy of the doctors to tell you what you can and cannot use and when.

And I understand, for the most part, the pain experienced by most radiation patients. Radiation therapy is applied over  a finite, defined area as opposed to the molecular level. So, radiation can, and does, affect the nerves running through the radiated area. That and the sunburns, along with skin pealing, the buildup of scar tissue (and the need to flex and keep the scar tissue broken down), contribute to the pain experienced in the radiated area. With mild to moderate pain, Aleve should do the trick.

But it's the fatigue I was not prepared for. In all my reading, I don't recall any passable mention of fatigue. Fatigue is entirely understandable when undergoing chemotherapy, so why does a person experience fatigue when undergoing radiation? Simple, or so I am told.  This is due to inflammation in the radiated area, to which the body reacts by working extra hard  to reduce said inflammation. As with any localized fever, our bodies draw on our reserves to battle the war going on inside.

Sounds simple doesn't it. But what is so amazing is that after only eight radiation treatments, where the total radiation time is roughly one minute per treatment, I am totally wiped out ten minutes after treatment. I almost fell asleep today, going home from radiation.And once I got home, all I wanted to do was sleep - for three hours! I talked to a couple folks, and this is to be expected. And even more fun, it will get worse before it gets better. Lovely...not.

So, here I am at 1:36 AM, fighting sleep, writing this post. Why? Because I want to communicate this sad state of affairs. I sleep about 12 - 14 hours a day now, when I thought I would be getting back to normal (after surgery). My eyelids are drooping, and I can hardly hit the keys (including spell-check). I keep dozing off, jerk awake and check the screen to be sure I didn't fat-finger a bunch of gobbledy gook. But I am afraid that if I don't share this, I will forget just what it is like and will minimize this par of my cancer treatment.

So now that I've gotten this off my chest, I am headed for my bed. And with any luck, I will be able to get up by 10:00 or 11:00 tomorrow. I would so love do something without swooning towards the bed after 2-3 hours.

Five Down, Twenty-Three To Go!

I have officially completed five radiation treatments. Woo Hoo! Only 23 more to go!

There is a rhythm to the treatments. Every day I log in and wait for one of the radiation techs to come and get me. I go to the dressing room and swap my pants for a robe. Then I go to LINAC I, hop onto the slab and fit my legs into the mold, and grab hold of my blue ring. The blue ring is so I can keep my arms immobile for a period of time so the radiation techs can push, pull and tug my body into the correct positioning and so I don't move while radiation commences.Once the techs are happy with my positioning, they leave the lead-lined room and radiation commences!

Every five days the techs x-ray my leg. This is to ensure the radiation range is hitting the mark. Then two days after the x-rays, I meet with my chief Radiologist, Dr. Danny. Apparently, everyone calls Dr. Indelicato by Dr. Danny. And it fits. The first time we met with him, we immediately thought of Doogie Howser, M.D. Laugh if you want. But he's one mighty young-looking doctor!

On Friday, I was gifted with a green Sharpie and 8 stickers. This was so I could touch up any marks/stickers over the weekend as needed. That made me feel better!

On a not so good note, I was taking a shower Sunday and noticed a lump on the back of my right leg, just above my ankle. Can't help it. I'm a bit skittish. I called the doctor Monday and they were able to fit me in today. So, after radiation we go to the Emerson office where M. Wetmore made room in her schedule to see me. Her first question was about what meds I'm taking as some meds can cause swelling. That was a negatory on that. She examined the lump. It is about 1-2 centimeters in diameter, right in the middle of the tendon, about 1 1/2 inches above the ankle. So, we took a couple x-rays which showed...nothing. M. Wetmore explained it was probably nothing, but if it would make me feel better, she could order an MRI - just to be sure. So, you know I'm going Yes Yes Yes. But the MRI comes at a cost - not so much monetary (I've already met my deductible for the year). I will have to have a contrast MRI, which means...I.V. Ugh!!!

In an earlier conversation, my sister suggested asking if I could get valium so when I do have to get I.V.'s, etc. I won't stress as much. So, I asked and it was answered. Whew! So tomorrow I get to go for lab work, M. Wetmore will call Dr. Danny to be sure a contrast MRI won't mess with my radiation treatment, and if all is a go, I'll get another MRI within the week. Same leg, but the ankle. I am a bit nervous. The lump is firm but not rock hard. So, I am hoping it really is nothing. Otherwise, it's yet another roller coaster - magnified.

Life is all about attitude, and I'm keeping it positive!

And if you're curious, here are two views of the roadmap of my right leg. Nice dent, and even nicer scar!

LINAC I

It has been two long weeks since the CT scan, and we are now at the cusp of radiation. I have been assigned to the radiation machine dubbed LINAC I. I am not yet sure what the acronym represents, but I promise to find out soon.

It's been a good two weeks. I started back to work - part-time. I am working from home, and I am so grateful I work for a company that provides the equipment and means to work remotely. I work 4 hours a day, and I've got plenty to keep me busy. In fact, I almost think I'm ahead of schedule! I've traded work distractions with home distractions, which really is less distracting than work. Odd, isn't it.

I am getting around on my own two legs now. The right leg is still weak. It tires easily and runs the risk of collapsing as I tend to do more than is good for me. My muscles ache, and most mornings my leg is very stiff. Thank you painkillers! The distal side of my right knee is still numb for the most part. It feels odd when the radiation techs touch that area.

My sister visited last week. She left Monday. We don't often get to spend time together, just her and I. She is on a vegan diet for 100 days, and we enjoyed her cooking this week. We were very pleasantly surprised in that the food was really, really good. She will get me to eating healthy eventually! Which, I really should sooner than later. Dee and I got to enjoy several movies; I Just Don't Know How She Does It, The Lion King 3D, Easy A, and Something Borrowed. But I think our favorite day was Monday. It started off raining, but by 11:00 the sun was out and the world was dry. So, Dee, Cassie and I went to Joe's Crab Shack and sat out on the deck over Jacksonville Beach and enjoyed lunch. Afterwards we strolled on the beach. There was a storm out at sea, it was high tide, and the waves were crashing. It was beautiful!

Anyway, on to today. Today was x-ray day. I got my UPC patient's lanyard. So, when I go in for radiation, all I have to do is scan my UPC into the LINAC machine and the folks in the back will instantly know I am present and ready for radiation. I met my radiation team; Rachel, Sean and Loren. Rachel walked me through what we were doing today. Basically, double-checking that the plan derived from the CT scan is correct. So, I met LINAC I - basically the business end of a very, very large microscope. And Sean and Loren pushed, pulled and tugged me (while I'm in my leg mold). Several x-rays, a few adjustments, and green pen markings later, and I was done! The blue markings on my legs have been embellished with green markings. The green indicates I am officially in treatment.

Tomorrow, at 3:00 PM, I will begin radiation. I will find out the field size of radiation as Sean and Loren will outline the radiation area tomorrow. Whew! Finally! Let's get this over with! The thing I'm most thrilled about is that since I will be going in daily (sans Saturday and Sunday), I no longer have to stress the leg markings. They will be refreshed every day. Makes me happy! The stickers and paint pen and daily monitoring were a bit stressful. I really didn't want to have to get another IV!

More to come later this week. Let ya know how the first few days go!

I Hate I.V.'s!

I hate, and I mean HATE, I.V.'s. When I went for the contrast MRI the tech blew a vein in my left hand then got a vein in my right hand. When I had surgery, they had to poke me three times to get an IV in my left hand. It fell out 2 days later and I had to get another one in my right hand. Then I go for the contrast CT scan today and yes, another vein in blown in my left hand and  the IV is painfully placed elsewhere in the left hand.

After the IV was successfully placed, I was called back to the CT room where two techs positioned me on the table. I had to lay on a blue balloon type thing that they molded to my legs. My right leg was straight while my left leg (the good one) was bent to the left. Once they were happy with my placement, and the chief radiology doctor gave the green light, they removed air from the balloon to stabilize the mold. Then along with my head radiology tech, they proceeded to mark both legs with a blue skin paint. They then scanned the leg; I'm assuming as a baseline.Once they were satisfied, along comes the contrast dye. The contrast dye contains a metal, and as it was fed to the IV my mouth tasted something like pennies. Remember when you were a child and you would put coins in your mouth? Why? I don't know. I can't remember. But then while you may not have done that, I know I did. As soon as the dye was injected, they ran another scan on my leg. It lasted about 4 minutes. Then I was done!

Before I left, though, the tech put stickers on the skin markings. And I was explicitly told to be sure the markings stay on my legs. Because if the markings wore off between now and the start of radiation I would get the pleasure of getting another contrast CT scan. And yes, another IV. So you know I was seriously motivated to keep the stickers on and the markings intact.

But two hours later and four stickers are falling off. I call but by then the office is about to close for the day. So, they tell me to come in tomorrow. But then two more hours later, the markings are fading. So, I start stressing. All I'm thinking is "I.V." And I start freaking. I do NOT want another IV! So I call back. And embarrassingly, I start crying on the phone. I tell the nurse, what is going on and that I really don't want another IV. Naturally, she is very soothing and reassuring. "It's okay," she tells me. "Can I use a Sharpie?" I ask, "because I don't want another IV." She tells me, yes and that when I go in tomorrow (because they have to make sure the Sharpie marks are correctly placed), they will give me a skin marker so I can refresh the markings daily. Crisis averted!

Oh, but here's the fun part. I get to refresh the markings daily for the next two months.Radiation officially starts the 20th, and it will last 6 weeks. So for the next eight weeks I get to have these non-permanent blue markings up and down my legs. Well. Things could be worse.

Readying For Radiation

It has been roughly 10 days since I last wrote. There really wasn't much to write about. More of the same. However, I did have an appointment on Thursday. And tomorrow is the RT simulation appointment. So, I figured I'd better catch up before regaling about the RT simulation appointment.

Thursday's appointment went well. My range of motion was impressive, and now it is time for the quad exercises - the dreaded sliding squats. Dr. Berrey warned me it would be painful, and I wholeheartedly agree! 10 squats 3 times a day. Ouch, ouch, ouch! The only negative to the appointment is that there was a return to infection in one portion of the wound. So I am back on antibiotics. They want the infection healed as much as possible before starting radiation.

Another plus is that I am now allowed to get around the house without crutches. Yea!  But I will say it is tough. I wear out quickly. On Friday I tidied up Gabriel's room. It consisted primarily of picking up toys and books and putting them where they belong. But I was surely tired afterwards. When I stand with equal weight on both legs, my right leg is noticeably weaker. It shakes and I risk collapsing. So, I know the sliding squats will strenghten those muscles. I can't wait until I can drive!

I am still working part-time. The infection, leg exercises, inability to drive, and upcoming radiation all contribute to the doctors' decision. They want to be sure I can tolerate the radiation. To be honest, I am a bit nervous about it.

Right now I am nervous about tomorrow's appointment. I have to go early tomorrow to get an IV. You would think that after 4 C-Sections, 2 out-patient surgeries, and this most recent surgery it would be no big deal. But this knee surgery really knocked me for a loop. It took them so long to put the IV in, and it hurt like heck.So I am drinking lots of water today and tomorrow morning to be sure I am adequately hydrated. Hopefully, tomorrow's IV will go smoothly.

I have no expectations about tomorrow's appointment. Not having been through this type of appointment before, I don't know what is supposed to happen. What is kind of blowing my mind right now is that the side effects of radiation are so substantial as opposed to the actual radiation duration being so short - on a daily basis. And I guess that is why. Really bombarding the area for a short duration to kill the bad stuff while trying to keep some of the good stuff intact. I have been told I will be experiencing symptoms like a severe sunburn around my knee, peeling and cracking skin especially on the back of the knee. More scar tissue buildup, limiting what mobility I have now. And so on. Will I experience all this? I do not know. When will I experience any of this? Again, I do not know. A day? A week? Two weeks? Gotta come up with my questions for tomorrow!

On the home front, all is relatively quiet. Gabriel has the 'return to school' cold. He's perky but his nose is running like a faucet and he has that annoying cough. Chris made the difficult decision to quit his job. He's been working for about five months, but he has been having difficulty balancing school and work since school started. I am proud of him for deciding, on his own, that school comes first. So, he put his 2-week notice in yesterday. And then Cassie moved back in over the weekend. Hmmm. While I know it is the right decision for her - financially, educationally, etc., I don't know if she is yet mature enough to understand and live by the rules of our house. Things like being home at a stated time, communicating what she is doing in a reasonable timeframe. We will quickly find out whether she can continue to live at home.

Nuff said for today. More to come after tomorrow's appointment.

Time For Me

It is late Sunday night and I have been thinking. The last few evenings I have experienced moderate anxiety; pretty much at the same interval each night. The thinker that I am, I am trying to figure out why. My circumstances haven't changed from a week ago. Well, I get to work again. But that's a good thing. At least to me it is. I did change my meds taking time. I used to take my daily meds in the morning. Lately, I've been taking them in the evening. Right around the time I am feeling this anxiety. Now one of the meds I am on is Prozac. I am not ashamed to acknowledge it. I take it not for depression, but rather for anxiety. It is a med provided by doctors for women who experience moderate to severe PMDD - or at least it was when it was first prescribed to me. And though I've tried a few other meds, I find that Prozac really does keep me from going overboard on the stress train.

It being Sunday, I have also been reading my Bible. I was brought up in a religiously mixed home, so I am not sure that I would call myself really religious. However, I am Christian. When I am stressed or something heavy is sitting on my heart I find comfort in the Bible. It really is a handbook for living.

So, why do I get this pervasive sense of stress lately right around 7 PM? The only way I can describe is is that I feel as though I should be doing something and I feel lazy because I am not. And when I read the sentence I just wrote I realize this is how I've been living my life for the past 19 years. Needing to be busy, to do something, so I can say I am contributing to the family, to society, to something. And I think. Maybe my brain and body don't know how to cope with this forced hiatus. Yes, the first few weeks were ok. But now that I am feeling better - though I am not mobile and have not yet started radiation - my brain thinks I need to 'do something'.

But do I? I mean. Do I need to be so busy I have no time for me? It seems that is all I've had time for these last few weeks. Yes, I've been bored, but that is because it has been so long since I've had time for me that I don't know what to do for me. And perhaps my body is guilting me into getting busy again. But I don't know. I don't really want to be so busy I'm constantly tired, sleep-deprived, stressed about the lack of time to do anything, etc. What I really need to do is to figure out what I can and would like to do for me and then to actually do it.

It sounds strange doesn't it. I have to learn how to enjoy having time for myself again. I just wish the anxiety would settle down for a bit.

Questions, Questions, Questions!

I do not enjoy being house-bound. I miss my coworkers. I miss being busy at work. I miss going to the store. I miss fast food. I miss just going into the kitchen, cooking something and carrying it to the living room!

I've been exercising my leg, flexing and stretching to get that scar tissue moving. I get the knee moving easily for about 15 minutes, then an hour later I have to start all over again. And I mean start all over again. It's like I never even stretched it at the first. I am sure the flexibility is much improved from when I first flexed it, but it's all relative to me. I only know it is stiff once again and I get to stretch it once more.

The STD (Short-Term Disability) provider called yesterday and they are anxious for me to get back to work. Oh, I know. They want to spend as little of their money as necessary. But geez! They have already bumped my 'back to work' date up by a week. I'm a bit frazzled. That's next Monday! I called and talked to the PA (Physician's Assistant) who is working with me and talked to her about all this. If I were out having another baby I would know what to expect and when I'd be able to go back to work and how my body would be feeling, but this is all new. I certainly don't want to experience a leave of absence due to this, or any other, cancer more than once.

Naturally, the PA was a bit miffed; not with me but with the STD provider. The doctors determine when I can return, not the STD providers. And I'm good with that! But I do know working would help me not only financially but also mentally. The surgeon's office is good with me going back to work part-time. They - and I - want to be sure this leg heals properly and the radiation and physical affects are handled properly. Granted, I won't have to suffer the side effects of Chemotherapy, but dayum! We're talking about my leg here! And I want to be as mobile as I can be after all this is said and done! And from what I understand, there is more, lots more, scar tissue to come.

So, it looks like I'll be heading back to work part-time on Monday - from home. I already talked to my boss and I'll be provided with a company laptop so I can work 4 hours a day at home. That works for me! I can't drive. My place of employment is 20 miles/40 minutes from home. My husband works about 15 miles from home, and to get him to cart me around for work - and then to add daily radiation on top of that - is a lot. When I say a lot, I mean a lot in respect to his time away from work, gas, impact on the truck, etc. etc. But before it's official, we have to get the paperwork lined up, signed and submitted. And I'll be doing that tomorrow.

I have to admit that I am a bit apprehensive. I am afraid that working from home will hinder my ability to contribute to the workload. I mean, I'm a lead developer on a current project. There's a lot of research and design to get done. Will I be as productive at home as I am in the workplace? I hope so! I have to be! Not only that, but when radiation begins, will I need more time off to handle any ill effects?

As for the radiation, I found out Tuesday that my simulation (otherwise called 'fitting') is scheduled for September 6; week after next. I will be getting an IV contrast CT scan which will pinpoint where the radiation will be applied. Another IV. Ugh. But once that's done, I can start the radiation. And the sooner the better! But then that leads to more questions. How do I pay for this? Will I have a copay every day? Do I have to pre-pay? What if I don't have the funds? Can I still get the radiation?

This all bites. But it's all in the present. Ten years from now I'll look back and understand how much of this didnt need all the stress I'm creating for myself. But for now, since I don't know, and I don't know what or how to ask my questions, this is where I am.

So, today, I am a bit pensive. I hope my mood improves with the coming weekend - as long as I don't go stir-crazy from cabin fever!

More of the Above

School starts tomorrow. Ad for the first time in my childrens' lives I could not take them shopping. Instead I sat at home while DH and Chris did some abbreviated shopping today. Gabriel's bookbag is packed and his bus driver finally called to let us know what time to expect them.

Other than that, the weekend has been quiet. I've been flexing the leg periodically and the pain is slowly receding. The flexibility is even more slowly coming back. What I'm battling now is the so very dry skin surrounding the sutures. My leg is dry! I oil it up with excema lotion and 30 minutes later the skin is flaking off. But I get the impression is is just the tip of the iceberg and that I have more of this to look forward to.

I talked to a couple friends this weekend about their experiences with radiation. Both of them are breast cancer survivors and both had radiation. They both shared the same experiences; that radiation therapy compounded the scar tissue incurring lumps and bumps. What this leads me to understand is that radiation will, as the doctors indicated, add more scar tissue to my knee. But it will be more significant or substantial than I probably already anticipate.

And then there was the unpleasant surprise that the mortgage check was returned for NSF. Ugh. The added expenses this month for doctor appointments, tests, and so on are already putting a strain on the purse strings. And my short-term disability does not bring in near as much as my regular paycheck. So, for the next month, things are looking a little bleak. This is encouraging me to get back to work as soon as I can; cancer or no.

In the meantime, I am keeping my days busy with beading, book reading, TV watching...

Three Cheers For Healing!

Woo hoo! I may be a bit naughty by nature, but I certainly do my best to be a stellar patient. And it has certainly paid off! Today was my two week post-op appointment, and Dr. Berrey was very pleased with the healing process. So pleased, in fact, that I am now out of the leg immobilizer; earlier than anticipated! But now comes the really hard part - regaining flexibility/mobility. Periodically, thoughout the day, I have to flex my leg.  Bend it to 90 degrees, then push it a little bit more. Hold it, then straighten it - and do that a little bit more. Hold it, then bend it. And repeat. And I also get to start the (drumrole please) sliding squats! Granted, my squat will not be anywhere close to perfect, but it is the mobility that is important.

And that is what was impressed upon me at the appointment. Mobility is critical at this point. Strength will come in time. In Dr. Berrey's words, "radiation is not your friend." When I asked why I learned that radiation will build additional scar tissue over the already existing scar tissue attained from the surgery. And any new scar tissue reduces mobility. So, I need to have as much mobility as possible before radiation so the impact from radiation is minimal.

I tell you, though. Bending a knee that a) has been straight for 15 days, b) is missing a significant chunk, and c) has a lovely vertical seven inch scar is not easy. Dr. Berry gently assisted my leg in coming to a 100 degree bend three times. O.M.G. Sweat beads were popping all overy my head. My stomach, which was thankfully empty, roiled. The scar tissue resisted and popped when resistence was futile. And I couldn't help but groan - part from pain and part from fear. I am told it will get easier. And I have no choice but to believe it. But when I bend it, as I have done in the last 30 minutes, it is still very rough. I am thankful to have a fair bit of painkillers left.

An upgrade in the healing process also means I am that much closer to going back to work. And I am not opposed to that. Being home sounds nice and relaxing. But it is so not the case when you can't get around and have to rely on others to even carry a glass of water from the kitchen to the couch. I am hoping that in a week or so I may be able to use the leg enough so I can drive myself. My next doctor appointment is in two weeks, but if I am up to it I'll be asking for at least a partial release before then.

On a not so great note, DD is going in for some tests for fatigue and malaise. So, the doctor bills continue. I anticipate a good three to five years to pay off the medical bills. And I hope that is an overestimate. I still don't know the cost of radiation and I am a bit nervous. My change in insurance at the new year has been working in my favor so far. I only hope it continues to hold up.

(Several hours later...) Healing from surgery is child's play compared to regaining mobility!!!! Swelling and pain are to be expected, and are in fact present and accounted for!

Family Dynamics

Chris is going culinary! Now that Mom and Dad are back in Texas it is up to Chris and Rufus to provide meals. To that effect, this is Chris's chance to exercise his culinary chops. He loves reading cookbooks but up to now has lacked the self-assurance to actually cook without assistance. Last night he made penne pasta with a bell pepper/tomato sauce  and turkey sausage. Yum! It was delicious! And he made grilled asparagus with orange sauce tonight. Double yum! So, my physical limitations have forced Chris into the kitchen. Who knows. We may have the next Master Chef in the kitchen!

DD (Dear Daughter, Cassie) is home tonight. She's been complaining of light-headedness and dizziness lately. When she went into Solantic her BP kept skyrocketing when she sat up (as opposed to laying down). The doctor there wanted her to go to the ER, but Cassie refused. So, she'll be going to her GP tomorrow. Thank God Rufus has FMLA. He will be able to take her during the day. I just hope it isn't anything too serious. One serious illness at a time is more than enough for this family.

Cassie will likely also be moving back home the first of the month. Methinks her primary motivation is that she will have wheels - my wheels - for the price of insurance and gas. Me hopes some of the motivating factors include the stability of home and nearness of her family. Cassie knows her presence in the house will be very helpful. If she lives at home she will be able to take me to appointments, run errands, and the like. DH and I just don't want our relationship with her to degrade to the point it did before she moved out; constant push-back fraught with heated words and a pervading tenseness. In other words, we need for her to understand that we rule the roost and she can go anytime she, or we, please. The hope is that Cassie moves in so she can go to school and get her head on straight surrounded by people who only want her happiness. Yes, she will have to abide by our rules, but is it no different from how she lives now? No transportation, no friends, people only wanting money and a 'party atmosphere'. I am sure she sees it a bit differently, but as I keep reminding her, friends come and go but family is forever. We will always have her back.

Not much more to report tonight. Next appointment is Thursday. What a learning experience!

Signing off...

Humdrum Sunday

It's Sunday night. Another quiet day. I am glad to say that when DH changed the bandages today the bruising that was apparent Friday was almost all gone. So, taking it easy for two days really did pay off.

Weekends are tough when you can't get around. There's no structure. During the week we have work, school, and the like. And we have to be up at a certain time and go to bed too. But on the weekend, the weekday guidelines don't necessarily apply and it can get slow, almost boring. What I'd like to do is some needlework or beadwork. But it's difficult doing beadwork on your lap. So, I play on my iPod, read, watch T.V. and nap.

Tomorrow is my first day alone with the boys and while Chris is 17 and can help, I'm afraid it may not be enough. I'm afraid Gabriel won't get the redirection and attention he needs. And I worry that he won't eat properly even with me at home - because I can't get up or get around much.

My next appt is Thursday and while one part of me hopes I will be given the green light to start flexing my leg, another part of me hopes it is still too soon. That scare that I may have popped some of the internal stitches is still very real, and I fear having to get more stitches. Not fun. So, we'll see.

I am coming up with the grocery list for the week, and I am finding I having to be very specific about what I want the boys to buy. For example, we need a loaf of bread. So, I have to stipulate that it is to be Nature's Own Honey Wheat bread. That way we don't get whole grain which the boys won't touch. The same with the toaster waffles - Eggo Homestyle. And I am also finding it difficult to keep asking Chris for help. I don't want to keep him from what it is he's doing, but at the same time I really need the help. It is so difficult being bed-bound and dependent on others. I know this is God's way of slowing me down. So, I will accept it.

Anyhoo. Tired tonight. Signing off.

A Downer of a Day

Mom and Dad left this morning. I was really sad to see them go but I know they need to go home. It is a downer because I miss them already and I know DH won't be able to give me the level of care I need right now and that my parents provided.

It is amazing how quickly everything has gone back to 'pre-mom-and-dad'. DH slept all day as did I. Gabriel watched a lot of TV, and there's not much in the house that can be pulled off the shelf and eaten. I am committed to staying in bed and on the couch, which means no cooking. So, the poor guy was eating cereal all day. Both DH and Chris work tomorrow and I am hoping they work it out so I'm not alone with Gabriel. I won't be able to do much of anything and he can be demanding.

So, the plan for tomorrow is hope for the best and hope to handle less than the best.

Signing off.

Slow Down

Yesterday was a busy day, relatively speaking. And today my body told me in no uncertain terms to s-l-o-w- d-o-w-n. The only thing I did today was take a shower. Yes, a shower. I sat on the bathing chair and let the water stream over me. And while it should have been a wonderful feeling, I had no idea how difficult it would be keeping my leg stiff while bathing. Without the immobilizer, it is bloody hard keeping one's leg straight! I anchored my leg using my toes on the shower wall, but my good leg was shaking from the strain of hold the brunt of the weight while I was twisting and turning getting rid of 10 days of accumulated grime. When I got out Mom had to help me with my robe and I went straight to the bed.

I needed to change the bandage, but when I went to take it off, it stuck to the steri-strips that criss-cross the sutures. After a call to the doctor, DH went over and picked up some more steri-strips. Taking the bandage then should have been easy. But the bandage also stuck to my not so short leg hair. Ouch! The sutures were also ozzing a bit. Poor Rufus was so afraid of hurting me. I just lay back and shut my eyes. I didn't feel a thing while he ever so slowly took the steri-strips off. He was stressed! Putting the new steri-strips was no walk in the park for him either. He was very aware that any contact with anything other than my skin could contaminate the wound. We then covered the strips with gauze pads - no sticky stuff please - and on went the ace bandage.

One thing I did notice was the dent in my leg was bruised. When I got out of the car yesterday my bad knee popped. So, I'm not sure if I broke any of the internal sutures. So, for the remainder of the weekend  I am either on the bed or on the couch. I am so not going anywhere or doing anything! It was funny. Yesterday at the doctor's office, the last thing Dr. Berrey said to me was 'Be a good girl. But for you, I think that isn't so easy!' LOL - He has me pegged! So, no activity. I want the leg to heal properly so I can start radiation. The sooner the better.

On a sad note, Mom and Dad are leaving in the morning. It has been 10 days, and they need to get back. While I totally understand that on a logical and practical level, emotionally.... 

I am so glad they took time to come. They've been such a help with the family, most especially helping me. Especially since the news was good, now is a choice time for them to go. And we need to learn to get along without their assistance. I will miss them immensely. It has been so wonderful having them here. There is nothing like being under your parents' care. It's like being a little girl again.

So, tomorrow, after Mom and Dad leave, I must must must keep off my foot. Gotta heal heal heal so I can start treatment. And no better time to start than to get to bed. So, good night and sweet dreams.

Little C

Today I want to open by remembering a good man, co-worker, husband and father. Gary Schriver, a man I worked with for 18 years, died August 5th from bone cancer. He fought a hard a valiant fight for two years. He now watches over his wife and three daughters from Heaven.

My friend Kim is a Godsend! She took Gabriel yesterday for the afternoon which stretched into an overnight stay through the afternoon. He so needed the break as did my parents. And Kim's family kept him so busy he was almost sleep-walking when he came home. Thank you Kim and family!

Today was 1) the post-operative appointment with Dr. Berrey (surgeon) and 2) the consultation with Dr. Indelicato (Radiologist). The consult appt was first, but I'll start with the post-op appt.

The knee, she is healing well. I can now take a shower! Meaning I can now get my leg wet. Oh, what joy! The knee must still stay in the immobilizer. It appeared there might be a slight infection at one point on the suture line, so I am on antibiotics for the week. Final diagnosis? Malignant Giant Cell Tumor of the Tendon Sheath. The tumor was removed, and the margins are good (relatively speaking given where it was located). Dr. Berrey's recommendation? Radiation. Why? To ensure that any residual cancer cells are eradicated. Here's the deal. When a soft tissue tumor is removed it is good practice to remove at least 1-3 cm of the surrounding soft tissue. This is to be sure all the tumor cells are removed. The problem is that there isn't much soft tissue in the knee. Even 1 cm is hard to find in the knee. So, while the margins, what could be managed in the knee, are good, it is possible some of the tumor cells were left behind. So, better safe than sorry.

When we met with Dr. Indelicato regarding radiation, he said there are two approaches; a) Observation with MRI/CT scans every 3 months, and b) Radiation. The pro about observation is that it is possible all the cancer was removed and no additional action is necessary - no radiation, etc. The con is that if the cancer returns it means radiation and possibly additional surgery. The pro about radiation is that we minimize the likelihood of the cancer returning. The con is that there are risks - skin issues during and after radiation, more fragile femur and tibia (leading to breaks), arthritis, additional scar tissue limiting mobility. Mom asked a very good question; what is the likelihood of the cancer returning with and without radiation. Dr. Indelicato's response pretty much made my decision. Without radiation, there is a 50% chance the cancer will return in the same or a different place. With radiation, that goes down to 5-10%.

I had already been leaning towards radiation, but that pretty much sealed it. Then when Dr. Berrey also recommended radiation, there was no doubt in my mind. I'll take the risks, none of which are guaranteed, to minimize the risk of the cancer coming back, which is also not guaranteed. What do I have to lose? Time and money. What do I have to gain? A longer, cancer-free life.

So, I'll be getting an appt in about two weeks for my set-up appt. This is when I get a CT scan which will determine the radiation boundaries, establish the exact positioning of my body for radiation, and determine the radiation course that is best for me. My radiation will begin mid-September and continue for five weeks, five days a week, roughly one hour a day. I likely will not be getting the more desirable Proton Therapy treatment. The treatment runs into the six digits in cost. And in the words of Dr. Indelicato, Proton Therapy is reserved for folks with 'big C'. Meaning, my cancer is 'little C'.

'Little C'. Does anyone have any idea how heavenly those two small words are? I have 'little C'. I have cancer. But it's not life-threatening. It is more of an expensive side trip. It is incredible what an impact the words 'little C' had not only on me but also my parents and DH. You could literally see the little stress bubbles above everyone's head popping out of existence. 'Little C'. How nice to only have 'little C'. I have a long life ahead of me and though I was hopeful that was indeed the case, it is wonderful that by putting me in the 'little C' column, the doctors have confirmed that indeed I do have a long life to look forward to.