Sunday Night, T minus 3

It's late. I just took my sleeping pill. I'm needing them to get to sleep lately, though I won't take one Tuesday night. Went to mass today. The first time in a while. I'm fairly non-denominational though I grew up in a predominantly Southern Baptist home. My dad is Catholic as is my husband, so I converted to Catholicism. But really, I follow the a mix of both. Anyway, I needed to go to church. It is a place of solace and comfort in times of stress and upheaval. And once again, it helps. I have felt at peace since.

Gabriel, my 7 year old came with, though much of it was above his head. He's Autistic with the intelligence of a much older child but the emotional age of about a 4 1/2 year old. He did well, as well as could be expected of a child his age. Afterwards we went to Toys R Us to splurge on Legos. It's my way of getting him ready for the forced absence of mom for a week. We are rarely apart, and most nights I go to bed alone (husband sleeps in another room - I snore very loudly) and wake up with Gabriel in my bed. Of the two of us, I think I'll be more traumatized not spending time with him on a daily basis. I bought little Lego gifts to give to him on his daily visits while I'm in hospital.

My panick of cancer, etc. has subsided for the most part. And I thank prayer and church for that. What I'm focusing on now is getting the mass out of my leg while keeping the leg intact. Oh, that and making sure my Short Term Disability is up and and in force before I leave.

Mom and Dad are driving down from Texas to "get into a cooler climate" and help out in the house and with my care. Since we won't really know the prognosis until I come out of surgery, we don't know what the next steps will be. Worst case scenarios are lose the leg, cancer and go through radiation and possibly chemotherapy. Ok. I can live with all that. As long as I'm with my family.

We may end up losing the house. Good riddance I say. As long as we're together. We survived the loss of a child 9 years ago, we can survive this. Now if only I could get this mass out TODAY!!!

P.S. Meeting with the boss-man tomorrow. I hate giving my work to someone else. I've been doing such a good job on it! Now I'll have to clean up someone else's mess!

Okey Dokey!

Okey Dokey! Here it is. Once again, I try to blog. In a nutshell, I'm getting ready to have MAJOR surgery on my right knee. I've had a bump on it for abnout 2-4 months. Didn't really pay attention to it. I've got crappy knees and I'm always knocking them about. So, I show it to my husband about a month ago. This is the husband who is almost comatose about everything in life. His response was, "Wow, that looks bad." Okay. So, now I know I need to get it checked. So, 2 weeks later I go in to see the doc about a rash and remember to show her my knee. Next thing I know I have papers to get an xray. I get it a week later - paychecks, you know. Gotta have one to pay for the xray. And 2 days later I get a call from the doctor telling me to go get an MRI. STAT. And off I trot for the MRI - which was an adventure in and of itself! I'm in there getting the MRI and the tech comes in saying they're not seeing anything so they're checking with the doctor to see if they can do a contrast MRI. And while they're waiting for the go-ahead, they do a baseline...when the power goes out. Lovely! So, off I trot to the other MRI place 20 miles, and 40 minutes away. So, what should have been an hour MRI turns into a 5 hour MRI. Oh, and the contrast? The tech blew on of the veins. On my hand! Ouch! It still smarts.

Anyhoo. The MRI shows a suspicious mass, and I'm off to see an Orthopedic Surgeon. Of course, the GP gives me worst case over the phone - synovial sarcoma or malignant fibrous histiosarcoma. And naturally, I freak. When I go see the surgeon, with spouse in tow, I'm in tears. He's awesome. Calm, cool, and matter of fact. It could be nothing but it could be worst case. In any event, we don't know until it comes out.

So, out it will come Tuesday. Surgery is scheduled for 11:00. And I have to be at the hospital at 9:00. What surprises me is that this is considered major surgery. I'll be in the hospital for at least a week. Logically, I understand since the mass has a blood supply. But, wow! The only other times I've spent more than a few hours in a hospital was for the birth of my children!

So, naturally, I'm scared. Scared of the outcome - will it be cancer? Scared of the possible risks during surgery. Scared I'll leave my children (who are my whole world) motherless. Scared they'll be scarred. Oh gawd. Gotta stop there. That's getting melodramatic!

The surgeon gave me 2 bits of advice; 1) have a positive attitude and 2) prayer works. So, I'm doing all I can to keep to those 2 bits of advice. Anxiety sometimes makes it difficult, but I keep forcing myself to think positive.

All I can do right now is pray and keep upbeat. For myself and my family. Most especially my children. More to come!