Time For Me

It is late Sunday night and I have been thinking. The last few evenings I have experienced moderate anxiety; pretty much at the same interval each night. The thinker that I am, I am trying to figure out why. My circumstances haven't changed from a week ago. Well, I get to work again. But that's a good thing. At least to me it is. I did change my meds taking time. I used to take my daily meds in the morning. Lately, I've been taking them in the evening. Right around the time I am feeling this anxiety. Now one of the meds I am on is Prozac. I am not ashamed to acknowledge it. I take it not for depression, but rather for anxiety. It is a med provided by doctors for women who experience moderate to severe PMDD - or at least it was when it was first prescribed to me. And though I've tried a few other meds, I find that Prozac really does keep me from going overboard on the stress train.

It being Sunday, I have also been reading my Bible. I was brought up in a religiously mixed home, so I am not sure that I would call myself really religious. However, I am Christian. When I am stressed or something heavy is sitting on my heart I find comfort in the Bible. It really is a handbook for living.

So, why do I get this pervasive sense of stress lately right around 7 PM? The only way I can describe is is that I feel as though I should be doing something and I feel lazy because I am not. And when I read the sentence I just wrote I realize this is how I've been living my life for the past 19 years. Needing to be busy, to do something, so I can say I am contributing to the family, to society, to something. And I think. Maybe my brain and body don't know how to cope with this forced hiatus. Yes, the first few weeks were ok. But now that I am feeling better - though I am not mobile and have not yet started radiation - my brain thinks I need to 'do something'.

But do I? I mean. Do I need to be so busy I have no time for me? It seems that is all I've had time for these last few weeks. Yes, I've been bored, but that is because it has been so long since I've had time for me that I don't know what to do for me. And perhaps my body is guilting me into getting busy again. But I don't know. I don't really want to be so busy I'm constantly tired, sleep-deprived, stressed about the lack of time to do anything, etc. What I really need to do is to figure out what I can and would like to do for me and then to actually do it.

It sounds strange doesn't it. I have to learn how to enjoy having time for myself again. I just wish the anxiety would settle down for a bit.